Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nine: There’s safety in numbers

Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*

This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.

The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.

The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.

Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”

When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard

Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.

Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.

If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.

sheep: hey give me my jeans back

wolf: no I need them for this idiom

First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.

At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit

4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go

of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people

I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.

ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share

Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.

The only highlight of a brutal moving day:

Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”

4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”

I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.

I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me

My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.

If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.

I love strapping my kids into their car seats.

It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.

guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name

Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”

me: no shoes in the house

murderer: sorry

The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself

I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.

That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.

Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”