From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
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*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
The Cut is a psyop that was created so that whenever society feels extremely divided, we will receive a perfectly timed personal essay from someone so terrible, we will drop all our quarrels and come together for the purpose of cyberbullying them into oblivion.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.