From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
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“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Spent the evening varnishing my Grandparents dining room floor. Here’s a list of things they offered me in the three hours I was there…
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
New mindset, who dis?
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
What do cheeky people drink out of?
A smug.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
I get so stressed trying to keep track of all my Christmas vouchers. I wish there was a universal voucher you could spend anywhere. Maybe it could have the king’s face on it and come in different denominations.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.