From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
You Might Also Like
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe