From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
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“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’
A double negative is a big no-no.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Meat Cute
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Man, how coked up was the guy that came up with teenage mutant ninja turtles
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.