From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
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Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one