From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
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Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
So good at ordering donuts my doctor is ordering me a special pill to take every morning.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated
mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels
amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35