Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…

The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.

I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers

DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth

ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening

Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo

I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.

*hears your text message notification beep*

*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*

Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.

My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.

BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*

Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.

I bought a CD today.

Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.

My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction

Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.

harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl

Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.

I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.

*wipes chocolate from mouth

The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.

Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .

The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.

My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought

Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better

Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?

“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.

Good morning

*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?

“they call me the butcher”

oh yea? why’s that, butch?

*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”

Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.

Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.

Me: Really?

Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.

Me: What?!

Mom: He’s an alcoholic.

Me: I don’t think…

Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.

Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.

I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.

No time for questions.

i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value