Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached

I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.

Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.

me: hey what’s your ring size

her: omg why

me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future

Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.

[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella

[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife

There didn’t used to be all these coffee choices. You had to decide at a grocery store if you wanted coffee that was the best part of waking up or was good to the last drop.

Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.

I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?

Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.

I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.

A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.

[confession booth]

ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes

PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this

ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share

PRIEST: you forgot pride

ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this

The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.

People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.

Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”

Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.

[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.

I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.

9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”

Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…

9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”

I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that

You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.

HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan

News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave

Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.

I find it hard to believe I used to just answer my phone when it rang. No caller ID. No idea who was calling. Just picked it up and said “hello” like a goddam daredevil.

[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps

if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body

Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”

<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.