From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
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Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
lmaaaaaooooooooo
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
i love fleetwood mac, but “thunder only happens when it’s raining” is just categorically untrue
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
My daughter: Dad, your hair is getting ridiculous. Like, do something about that bald spot.
Me: Why you little … Don’t make me combover there.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date