From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
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Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
A tattoo artist wants to practice doing chrome tattoos so I’m letting her give me a chrome tattoo for free tomorrow. I’m sure it will be fine
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
kidnapper: we’re not going back for medication
me: ok cool I’ll just tell my cholesterol that
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist