From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
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When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…