Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?

Writer: Mission Impossible 9!

Producer: BRILLIANT!

I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.

When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”

doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?

me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas

My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?

Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.

Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.

if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners

happy birthday to me. i am 25.

me: *ordering an orange juice*

8yo: does it have pulp?

me: I’m not sure

8yo: *heavy sigh* guess I’ll find out the hard way

Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?

Me: Yes, I was.

Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.

Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.

*at Pearly Gates

Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark

St. Peter: Mittens, I said no

I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful

Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.

[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice

There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.

*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*

Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.

(Not mine, but very lovely)

God: go forth and multiply

Me: [bad at math] what

When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.

This story is comedy gold 😂

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– you, because no matter how many times they deleted you from their contacts, the goddamn cloud brought you back

My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”

My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time

He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever

Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still

when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast

ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*

Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]

My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?

me: sorry if I’m bothering you

lifeguard pulling me to shore: what

Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]

James Potter: push down and then pull back

Voldemort: I am [still struggling]

Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it

Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10

Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again

Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again

I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.