From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
You Might Also Like
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Smells like a challenge to me
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Oh no Moo Deng noo!!
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
here we go again
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
