Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.

Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.

I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.

Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars

Genie: done. and your second?

Me: infinite money

Genie: no can do

Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now

Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod

GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?

ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?

HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.

Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.

Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”

Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”

*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*

How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what

All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.

*first date*

Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight

me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong

waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good

me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow

I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.

What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.

Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.

The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.

I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues

Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?

I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.

A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.

What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?

Payday

Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.

He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi

[blind date]

HER: I’m a Nihilist

ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country

When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter

I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.

Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.

Went in my local the other day, new barman very smiley and chatty I ordered a pint and a vodka tonic for my wife, he smiled and asked ‘single?’ I replied sorry mate I’m married, he said I meant double or single vodka pal. Got to find a new local.

Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?

Me: Boiling water?

Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.

ME: and make mine a double

WAITER: your…your tater tots?

ME: you heard me