From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
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I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing