From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
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Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it