Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.

I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?

-Me, at Home Depot

[creation of spinach]

God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.

Angel: Is everything okay at home?

Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.

Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science

[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]

4: Mommy, I need a snack

Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!

4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.

Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?

4:…. YESSSS

My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new

one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”

My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing

hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities

I’m sorry but I strongly disagree

Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.

Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA

Natives: actually it’s no-

C: HI INDIANS

N: no see, we are nowhere near-

C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD

One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.

I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.

spouse: what are you doing

me: i’m writing a pilot

spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂

me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?

20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.

30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.

40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.

Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.

I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.

Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?

3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body

The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.

Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.

Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.

Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you

Husband: well you’re here with me

Me: oh yeah

Husband: and we’re at a funeral

[anniversary dinner]

HER: tell me something that will make my heart race

ME: my credit card got declined

I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.

the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown

Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.

I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.