From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
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I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
I picked my nephew up from daycare today, Mind you, he’s biracial but looks like a white kid. They asked him if he knew who I was and why did this man look me dead in my face and say he didn’t know me…
Had them people ready to call the cops on me.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
My gf wouldn’t see the last Batman movie with me until we’d had our eighth restaurant date
Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Just added something to my bucket list.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.