From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
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Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Jane Austen was probably going after someone she knew/hated when writing Lady Catherine de Bourgh and it’s so fun to imagine her friends reading it being like OMG GIRL NO YOU DIDNT 😂😂😂🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
if someone would only design a type of headwear with some sort of built-in device to block the sun they’d probably make a fortune
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
#Caturday
