From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
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Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Alexa: *deep breath*
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Happy #NationalPoetryDay 🙂
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it