From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
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*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Trumpy Cat
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.