From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
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Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer