From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
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My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Spring of Deception
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.