Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.

War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.

moms in horror movies

me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles

1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?

I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.

Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.

*points to person jogging outside through the snow*

“Look kids, a lunatic”

Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.

Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.

Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.

[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married

I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?

My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.

If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.

I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.

Gross, who put proof in this pudding?

Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.

Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?

My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.

Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.

i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once

*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym*

*wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*

HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!

UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo

* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *

My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.

For those that worship cheese..

Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.

If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.

On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.

I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.

[At the Dr]

Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.

Yup

Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial