Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes

My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.

Tv: He is in cardiac arrest

My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart

Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy

He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.

Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.

I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.

Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.

A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.

This is the dumbest apocalypse ever

Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.

My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.

Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.

*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*

I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.

Me: Can you bring back Prince?

Genie: I can’t bring people back.

Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?

Genie: Who was that dead guy again?

Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.

I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka

My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.

My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.

I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!

I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.

Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”

I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭

I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.

My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.

Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.

*professes my undying love to my microwave*

*microwave sets itself on fire*

if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal

[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out