From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
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If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
How do horror writers compete with current events?
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”