Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund

Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.

y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀

I discovered last night that I’m quite adept at finely slicing carrots and my fingers.

I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)

I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.

Me: “What are you drawing?”

6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”

Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”

6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”

I figured it was too good to be true.

There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.

After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire

What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.

I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.

I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.

The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?

ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something

I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud

Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?

My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.

My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.

Now I’m living in a flat.

My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.

*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*

Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.

An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.

Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.

The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat

[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no

[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY

I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.

the greatest twitter interaction

SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend

*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?

Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone

Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.

Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”