From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
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There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
A great tip. #CakeRex
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook