Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade

I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.

Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.

Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.

Nurse: The what?

Me: Just do it, ok.

the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone

Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”

Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.

Me: Whew! Thank goodness.

Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.

10:00pm

*gets a snack*

10:01pm

*turns on tv*

10:02pm

*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*

February

I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.

It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.

[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

No man left behind.

No stone left unturned.

No donut left uneaten.

Me, abandoning the call I’m making after two unanswered rings: “well, I tried my absolute best to reach them, not sure what more I could’ve done”

I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.

-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*

At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.

Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒

[tries to blow a kiss]

Kiss: I have a boyfriend

Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.

Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom

I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.

Me: Babe, I got carded today!

Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.

The 7 year old referred to some minor drama at school as having ‘almost caused world war one one one’, which I think is a beautiful example of saying something you’ve only ever read and never heard

Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.

It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.

DON’T STOP BELIEVING!

…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time

I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.

Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.

My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK

Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.