Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At a job interview:

“What are your strengths?”

“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”

“Give me an example”

“When do I start?”

Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!

Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!

[visit to zoo]

See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.

So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?

COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.

ME: no hurry.

The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.

We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.

I feel so discombobulated when supermarkets switch up the aisles without texting me first.

my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter

When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.

Her: ‘We should have another kid.’

Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’

I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.

Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.

I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.

Not sure why someone would throw this gum in the urinal. It’s not even hard yet

told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”

Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊

Cashier: And how are you today?

Me: Incandescent with rage. You?

6: I’m hungry

Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now

6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?

Husband: Oh no

middle school in the ’90s

I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.

Me: they’re coming!

911: can you hide?

Me: they’ll find me!!

911: stay calm

Me: the door is opening…help!

“Mooom! We want a snack!!”

Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter

Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.

Day 2: Moldy.

Repeat weekly.

It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.

They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.

My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to me

I have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell

Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.

My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.

My husband reached for his black hat from the hats and gloves basket that we keep by the front door, except it was the cat.

Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.