Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: This is the worst escape room ever.

Boss: This is your job.

I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.

*Pokes the bear just to feel alive

*Bear uses bear spray on me

After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off

Walmart customers are classless.

You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.

Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.

Wanted:

Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

I avoided Twitter yesterday because it’s full of misinformation but the first Tik Tok I opened was like “SOMEBODY TRIED TO UNALIVE TRUMP WITH A PEW PEW!!”

I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.

I feel seen

MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.

What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?

Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”

Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”

[Disney Pitch Meeting]

Writer: So kids love puppies

Exec: Haha true

Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them

Exec: First off, it’s perfect

My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT

I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.

Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.

But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?

i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat

girls will be like “it’s fine” and then go and curse your whole bloodline.

When your teen is already bigger than you are…

I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.

Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!

If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.

My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?

WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen

My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.

My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.

They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.