[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
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My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
“We need a machine that can count all these damn geigers.” – guy who invented the geiger counter
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
After saying something bold, scandalous and outrageous always follow up with, “That’s right. I said it!” Otherwise they’ll mistakenly believe what you said was dull and hardly worth saying. Just more of the pointless droning , on and on, they’ve come to expect from you.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.