Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water

I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds

Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes

[In football huddle]

“What do you guys think happens when we die?”

When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.

You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.

Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.

“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.

ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT

To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.

[Genetics Lab]

Me: One designer baby, please

Doctor: It’s not like that, you..

Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions

Doctor: What? No, you can’t…

Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers

Doctor:

Me: I’m gonna call her Claire

restaurant
Waiter: Your coffee

Me: Could I have a little spoon please?

Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*

Me: lovely

I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend

Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*

Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*

My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.

DON’T JUST TAKE PHOTOS! BUY! 😡

4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!

Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.

4: Why?

People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.

She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome

Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase

Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product

Twitter is an abusement park.

listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes

🗽

Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing

Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!

Twitter: nope

welp

It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views

I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.

A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .

Me: I hate working from home.

Also me: I hate working from work.