[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
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Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Meanwhile in Portland…
She puts the hot in psychotic
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast