[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
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posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.