(from the bottom of a well) is this the trap
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my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
He took my last fry, your honor
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.