(from the bottom of a well) is this the trap
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[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
It’s so funny how dracula in marvel is a thing and he is constantly in the background as a looming threat but noone cares but blade
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Also, I’ll tell my mom
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Putting up my, “Hell yeah you can trespass, I love when people do that,” sign.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
If you casually mention at the reference desk that this morning’s been pretty quiet so far, library staff will react as though you just screamed Macbeth at the top of your lungs seventeen times in a theater.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
I see a guy with a sharktooth necklace.
Me: Holy shit! That’s the sharpest part of the shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently