(from the bottom of a well) is this the trap
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I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.