(from the bottom of a well) is this the trap
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Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Important reminders
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.