Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.

WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!

~me, drunk, at a wax museum

Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake

Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants

Cheer up.

Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.

I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.

This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.

Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700

Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.

I tried getting my ducks in a row but 2 can’t swim, 3 have bad attitudes, and 1 could not pass a field sobriety test if his life depended on it.

YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.

Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.

I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work

A farmer asked his neighbor

“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”

“Castor oil”

The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”

“Killed mine too”

Some people are so fake there lock screens don’t recognise them

NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.

ME: Oh that makes much more sense.

[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]

Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.

I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.

My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.

Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me

Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.

Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen

My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.

He’s going to be a terrible business owner.

But an incredible mob boss.

Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!

Shoulder angel:

Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone

When the moon hits your eye
Like it’s 5:45,
That’s November

If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.