Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.

Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…

My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.

She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.

Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.

Me: Thanks. I do yoga.

[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!

I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …

fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths

Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid

Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to life

Me: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.

Genie: There are four rules…

judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth

me: no

judge: [covers mic] what do I do

The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.

Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.

[murder scene]

DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.

“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.

*watching any crime show*

He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.

accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl

Being rude underwater is snarkeling

Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl

i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t

*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*

Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.

God: you run really fast.

Horse: sweet.

God: people ride you in circles for sport.

Horse: kindof weird but ok

God: also don’t break a leg.

Horse: why?

God:

Horse: God? why?

[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”

[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”

When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.

This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin

Parish Council to all moorside residents –

Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.

A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.