FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
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Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Me: [watching football]
Wife: [silently reading a book for three quarters of the game]
Announcer: That was a huge sack!
Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Want to try some vegetable chips? They don’t taste as good as potato chips, but on the plus side, they’re way more expensive.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.