From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
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DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
(making small talk with a couple) so have you guys ever cheated on each other?
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
in HS I wanted to break up with a guy but figured it would leave fewer feelings hurt if I got the guy to break up with me. so invited him to sacrifice goats to the devil with me. took a whole 3 days before he finally said “we should talk” and I was like “I certainly hope so”
