Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.

OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl

In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end

These work great until they don’t.

No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.

Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.

Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane

Airlines: $16 for bag of chips

Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75

Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for

Airlines:

Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies

Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*

Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.

Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.

Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.

*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*

Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.

count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video

People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie

I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”

In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.

I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.

*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs

A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.

inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..

Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.

Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.

I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.

Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.

So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.

Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.

Friend: Who did?

Me: Yep.

Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop

I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.

Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them