From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
You Might Also Like
all that yoga finally paid off
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
*checks Timeline*…
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone
me: whoa magic
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
That’s fair
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.