Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

someone interviewed me once and i said, “remember blogs and forums in the mid-2000s?” and he said “haha, no i was a baby”

good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*

Me: I’ll be home a little late today.

Son: Why?

Me: Two of our coworkers are leaving the company, so we are all getting together to celebrate.

Son: Wow, you guys must have really hated them.

I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.

I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.

Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”

Me: “When can I start?”

M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!

Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me

Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments

My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.

I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.

this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes

Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.

Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her

Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.

My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!

*hyperventilates*

*vomits*

Me: It’s for the dog.

8: Oh. Can I have a snack?

Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.

Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.

My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.

Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”

“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.

I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁

I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it

Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats

My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.

We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.

For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.

This wording makes this visa sound a lot more exciting than it is

50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid

Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.

You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.