Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
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Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”