Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

everyone: “you changed”

the climate: i know 😞

[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.

Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.

it’s the baby’s birthday! i say happy birthday!!! he says “it feels so nice to be 6 again”

😃 what 😃 do 😃 you 😃 mean 😃 sir

I didn’t know they can drive…

me: *finally catching up financially*

the brakes on my car: hehe

daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit

me: heh what else could it be

daughter: [leaves]

me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be

Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”

Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.

Doctor: Your daughter is 10.

I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.

Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?

actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits

I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…

This is sending me to another galaxy

[doing crunches]

Me: get it? ab solution?

Priest: so excommunicated

Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”

A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.

Did I just say that out loud?

Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin

*Dwarves all turn their heads*

Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy

After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.

Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.

Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was

Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.

I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.

the trade off from turning 50 is you cant see letters up close but you can spot idiots from miles away

Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.

What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot

Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad

*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*

Me: h-how are you smoking??

Them: how old are you

Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.

So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?

My little girl will never have daddy issues.

But her future boyfriends will.