Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant

While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.

Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time

We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered

The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall

[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard

the three branches of government

A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.

*Turning off led flashlight.

Led flashlight: hahahahaha

FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot

Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?

Client: sadly no. Just you.

Me:

Client: I didn’t mean it like that!

Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics

ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.

One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”

Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder

I really want an emotional support octopus so I can train it to slap people and shoplift.

Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.

her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol

me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all

Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.

*sees baby*

*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*

*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*

*sadness evaporates*

ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth

My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”

Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.

No one:

My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!

Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?

Me: Of course!

Friend: You sometimes-

Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?

You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.

I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.

Some people age like wine, others age like milk.

I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.

Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol

Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?

He replied….chicken.

Thank god he is good looking.