Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something

Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.

My husband is working from home and he’s still late.

My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?

Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*

me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand

Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.

I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream

Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:

Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.

Thanks,
The rest of us

please stand back I’m about to make this worse

(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city

Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?

Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired

EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: what shall we worship?

EGYPTIAN KING: cats

8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those

Me: To strangle your coworkers

8yo: What?

Me: Huh?

*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*

-Law & Order sound

[spider party]

black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish

My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”

[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this

Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.

*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape

making sure he doesnt get away

Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?

Me: Let me ask my mom

Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!

Me: She said no

I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude

why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait

Thin eyeliner today.

*left one goes fatter

*right one goes fatter

*left one goes fatter

*right one goes fatter

*covers entire face.

Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.

You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.

My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?

Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES

I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.

My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.