Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my body: please…eat a vegetable

me: fine

my body: that’s not fried

Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?

I do. Now.

I think I’ll stand

Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.

Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.

And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.

I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.

Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.

Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.

Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one

I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.

I couldn’t live off of that celery.

Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.

My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.

Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.

For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.

Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.

14 called me an idiot today

No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child

I mean 14 people

8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard

6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda

No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.

One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.

Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.

My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt

It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.

it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*

Cop: Sir?

Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.

“OMG, it’s so big!”

(Your ego)

“I’m on my way!”

-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes

IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera

Why’s it called recanting your testimony and not deleting your account?

Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.

If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it