Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”

I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.

Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway

Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?

Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.

Oompa Loompa: We need a union…

80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.

satan: welcome to hell

me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?

s: yup all you can read!

m: wow!

s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?

me, nervously: yes..why?

*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*

m: aw hell

MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?

EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom

[first day as a flight attendant]

Pilot: tell them we’re descending

Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN

Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic

Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER

Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”

Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.

I haven’t run out of receipt yet.

Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working

Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?

Son:

Me:

Son: Where’s mom?

anxiety is soooo crazy bc why do i have diarrhea cuz im scared of something that hasn’t happened yet. what purpose does this diarrhea serve evolutionary

[joins a conga line]

me: I can leave any time I like

[someone joins behind]

me: oh no

Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles

Aliens traveled millions of light years to get here to visit New Jersey.

The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor

Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit

I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.

I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.

There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.

I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.

I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.

TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness

ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late

It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.

Your proctologist called. He found your head.

I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*

*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day

My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?

Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.

If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow

Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker

I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.

new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge