From the videos I’ve seen lately, I only need a few simple steps to renovate my kitchen:
Step 1. Come into a large inheritance
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Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.