From the videos I’ve seen lately, I only need a few simple steps to renovate my kitchen:
Step 1. Come into a large inheritance
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[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.
Librarian: Oh, like the author!
Me: Huh?
Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!
Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.
Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them