Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: “Men are creepy!”

Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”

It finally happened.

After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.

My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.

I would throw myself under a duvet for you.

When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.

Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.

Me: I’m so sorry.

If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.

i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus

If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile

i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head

A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.

I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen

We currently live in a house with one bathroom.

Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.

WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into

ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich

Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?

Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *

* Looking for my gloves in the shed

Guilty! 🤪

My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.

I will eventually talk about something other than Cyberpunk, but they just gave me a quest to teach a vending machine to swear, so that won’t be today.

me: i love pillow talk

pillow: hello

me: what the hell

Him: *Head in hands*

Her: What’s happened?

Him: Well- I…I… I found this head

I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.

this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw

6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.

Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: The warrant probably

Officer: You have a broken… what

Me: What

The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.

Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.

In this essay, I will

Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….

It means we used to be.

interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right

I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open