Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.

I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?

You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.

Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.

Executioners flirting:

You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!

[ bad kitty ]

me: cut it out

cat: ?

me: stop it

cat: ?

me: knock it off

cat: now we’re talking

Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.

[Conditioning my hair in the shower]

Me: *rings bell*

My hair: *salivates*

Me: Do you like my new negligé?

Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?

Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.

Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel

I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off

One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.

*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*

*grass dies due to lack of water*

Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.

I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.

I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart

*smashes car through your living room*

Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?

Personal Trainer: Do you run?

Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.

Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.

WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.

I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.

[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues

I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.

“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.

[Me as a zoo tour guide]

Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois

8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-

Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon

8: They’re pand-

Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.

8: Zeb-

Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR

[after recapturing an escaped convict]

sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”

convict:

deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”

sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”

ME: is he always this quiet

WIDOW: *sobs harder*

Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?

Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.

Me, showing up to school the next day:

Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.