[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
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Chaos ensues as I try to stop my 3yo from falling off the couch. My 5yo runs into the room and screams bloody murder. She stops and goes:
“Sorry. I didn’t know what was going on, so I just started screaming”
And it’s like, indeed, my little love; you’ve just described Twitter
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Bad news – science doesn’t want your body. Looks like your only choice is to put it up on Facebook marketplace
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.