[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
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INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
been hearing a lot of friends say they’re planning on avoiding the internet tomorrow. not me! it’s gonna be christmas morning for hall of fame bad posts on here. we’re talking takes so bafflingly stupid we can’t even imagine. and i need them all beamed directly into my brain.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Hey man, your fly is down. Let me get that for you
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
[getting a retweet]
“I’VE BEEN PUBLISHED”
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Big Sex has us all fooled
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.