*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
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Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.
It’s “time to change my password” at work again today. I feel like this is happening more frequently. According to my password, the last time was TuesdayMarch12
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
If Olive Garden wanted to give me an authentic Italian meal that reminds me of my mother’s cooking, someone should come out from the kitchen and hit me with a wooden spoon
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!