Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i can handle my alcohol

5 shots later: *in the shower on all 4s pretending i’m a bear catching fish

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘mnemonic’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity

Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to

sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”

Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.

Guy: I’m an organist

Me: what you got against organs?

Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !

Good parenting 101

*tries to lose weight by talking about it*

Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.

No one:

My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree

People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.

Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.

A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich

Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.

Ok that baby hippo is adorable but how did 90% of my timeline become baby hippo overnight without me ever searching hippo content.

I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.

Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.

I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use

Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.

Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.

ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”

Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”

Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.

I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.

Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!

Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between

[pizza delivery]

Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*

uh HELL YEAH!

*pulls out phone*

see that RT button?

Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.

Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock

After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.