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Her: i think taking care of your teeth is super important.

Me: *nodding* i like having teeth because then i can always taste my skeleton.


Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.


I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv


*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*


SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.


In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will


Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon


Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad

Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven


Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”

Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.


Just saved a bunch of money on my Glenn from The Walking Dead Halloween costume by not showering for a month.