@DurtMcHurtt

*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??

You Might Also Like

@captainkalvis

Her: i think taking care of your teeth is super important.

Me: *nodding* i like having teeth because then i can always taste my skeleton.

@blacksab67

Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.

@tastefactory

I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv

@BuckyIsotope

*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*

@WritePlay

SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.

@EwdatsGROSS

In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will

@shutupmikeginn

Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon

@faungirl123

Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad

Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven

@kentgrossarth

Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”

Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.

@man_spach

Just saved a bunch of money on my Glenn from The Walking Dead Halloween costume by not showering for a month.