*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
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One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Somebody call the cops.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup