Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport

Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.

Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.

Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp

Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.

[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.

So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …

Dog: I will do anything for you

Human: drop the ball

Dog: nope

My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?

Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?

Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.

I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.

“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”

You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun

Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.

Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.

I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.

*Runs Amazon van off the road

I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.

Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.

You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.

“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”

~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp

Relationship status:

My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.

[walking into Sephora]

me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.

my husband: I’m right here you know

I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.

[before quarantine]

me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”

[5 weeks in quarantine]

me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”

[plot twist] ur buried vertically

Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!

rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born

barista: *under breath* shit

Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.

Luke: OK.

Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.