From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
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*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels