Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.

First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.

I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet

*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*

Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.

So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.

[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]

GOD: a rat dog

ANGEL: check

GOD: that whispers to white people

ANGEL: what?

GOD: about the weather

ANGEL:

these two trucks have the same bed length

How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.

Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?

Me: Boiling water?

Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.

Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?

4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.

Him: You… just went in?

4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.

(A museum. I took them to a museum.)

i said it’s my favorite movie, i didn’t say it was good

I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me

I’m an engineer and each morning when I load up my cargo pockets with my tools I pretend I’m holstering my weapons before going to get revenge for the murder of my wife, I don’t even have a wife

My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions

And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.

Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.

“Do you have a good reason for calling your wedding off?”
“I can’t say I do”

He has notifications on for me pray for his phone

By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.

[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff

“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.

Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night

it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken

Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap

for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them

Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie

[bakery]

me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday

clerk: ok what about this one

me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?

*first date*

Him: So, I’m a youth minister.

Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.