From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
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I told my therapist I was upset she raised her rates again and she said that while I can’t control the situation, I can do something to control my reaction.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”