From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
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According to my chocolate advent calendar tomorrow is Christmas
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
the rocks need my help
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.