From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
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Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Duolingo getting serious.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
I think my first day working for Microsoft is going really well.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Is it stupid and irresponsible? Yes. Will it make me happy? Also yes.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.