From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
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When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
Someone told me they had beef with me and I got pissed off that it wasn’t a brisket
pain
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
no their not
I set up a Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
