From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
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🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you