@AimeeHelene1

From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.

From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.

- @AimeeHelene1

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@mamapjs1

Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.

@robfee

Gravity 0/5: Worst Space Jam sequel ever. Literally no basketball.

@joshgondelman

“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.

@Manda_like_wine

My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.

@DanMentos

[taking FRIENDS quiz]

7. Which character do you most identify with?

Ross

8. Which is your least favorite character?

Ross

@kumailn

Fruits are single-handedly keeping the sticker industry afloat.

@d_duhwit

*baby crying on plane*
Guy beside me: Can there be anything worse then a baby crying on a plane.
Me *pulling out kazoo*: Let’s find out.

@brennadine

“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.

@johntoconnor

How much can this one swallow?

sir that one does 1.6 gallons per flush and please stop describing it that way