From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
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Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
wtf is an acronym
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!